By Ralph Rewes

The separation is now definitive. The woman who was his wife for years left him. He was now alone in the house, that she did not claim because the mortgage was too high. He was also left with a heap of unpaid bills. To remain in a house that once was a home is more painful than to move out. Many memories remained on the walls and in every corner of the household once shared with the woman who once was the motivation of his life. The mother of his children moved out; his children went with her. The recollection of his son's words makes him sweat and turn his hand icy cold: "Daddy, why you are not moving with us?"

The man is now alone in an empty, drapeless house, with just a few pieces of furniture. An old television set rests on a wobbling night table. There are no noises, only those he makes; there are no complaints; there are no laughs. There are no children jumping on his knees. There is a rare absence of life — a great void. Only the small Japanese box with its lit screen of fainted colors alleviates the human absence. Thanks for leaving me the TV set!

He made everything possible to stop their walk toward divorce. He even went through the process of undressing his mind and intimate habits before a marriage counselor and practiced advices that did not work. Everything failed — he was a failure. Nothing left to be said. Nothing else to do. Hours-long conversations were behind. So were useless attempts to communicate. He always received a "no" for an answer, sometimes figuratively, sometimes directly. Sometimes, the ubiquitous "no" was wrapped in that frustrating phrase "I know you, I know that you will not change." That phrase hurt more because he was really changing. This was verified paradoxically by the last phrase she said to him: "I don't I know you anymore."

Many forces join two human beings, even when feelings may be already shattered by constant, inexplicable misunderstandings. There was no way to convince her: she did not want to be convinced. By trying so hard not to hurt her feelings, he was hurting his own. How to end a love relationship in friendly terms? How to explain to a child the cruel realities of a total separation of his parents? There are neither acceptable nor practical formulations. How he wanted for them to exist.

There is no return now. The decision was hers, not his. Now, he had no other option but to accept her final decision. By doing that, he was forced in a new reality: a reality he considered his own failure, because he couldn't make his marriage escape destruction. He was incapable of motivating her to fight for something he believed valuable. To quietly accept her decision was at the same time painful and confusing. No matter how he now would face reality, in any event, he'll lose. If he blames himself for the divorce, he will feel bad, maladjusted. Should he want to build a new household, would he be able to maintain a stable and meaningful relationship with another woman? Probably, yes. But now he doubts it.

If he blamed her, then he would feel impotent for not being able to find an intelligent solution and left himself the option of accepting her decision, a decision made by another person, a decision he could not change. If he blamed fate, it was even worse, because then he would feel like a puppet in hands of the Unknown.

Finally, his pride, his social identity would remain deeply and dreadfully hurt. All his principles would crumble. He remembers: the anticipation and passion of their first kiss. The proposal. The wedding, the baptism of their first child. He remembers everything that seemed to mean so much in the past, not only for him, but also for her. Did everything lose meaning for her? Had she forgotten all? How was it possible for her to forget so many pleasant moments and remember only the bad ones? Weren't the happy ones ten times better than those which were disappointing?

Every symbol of social acceptance: marriage, home, offspring, stability, safety, comfort, Mrs., etc., all those symbols had been lost in a violent collision against divorce. Although divorce is an everyday occurrence, it is not easy to accept it. It dismembers you. It is as destructive as death, and as death, something it is easy to joke about from afar, but when it hits us, it becomes terrifying.

He is no longer a married man. Society tends to blame men when a divorce occurs. Rarely it blames her If something goes wrong, it is because he did something bad: he was not a good husband; he was a philanderer; he had other women; he did not care about her feelings. He stopped loving her. And even when it was her who no longer loved him, he was to blame for not being able to keep the love flame alive.

Now he was divorced. He had been turned into an individual with a low social status, a vagrant and a transient that would have to change in a very short period. Men should not stay divorced too long — it is not socially acceptable. A year, perhaps, is okay. However, until he finds another woman, he will be a temporary outcast.

A marriage fails for many reasons, too many to make a list. But there is always the question "who was guilty?" However, blaming each other or the circumstances does not change the issue. The fact remains that, when a divorce is definitive, both parties must adapt to new situations. The marriage is finished. The new reality sets in, it is divorce, a total separation, legally, morally and accepted. It seems to be, although it is not, a final solution. But what can be done when already a simply physical touch becomes annoying.

The divorce is not easy for the woman; but neither it is for the man. However, nearly everybody believes that the transient period following a divorce is, in fact, easy for the man. Is that true? It may be in some isolated cases. But those days are a very difficult period of adjustment where even real friends seem to disappear, and there is no help or family support. Most generally they abandon the man and justify the action of the woman. Furthermore, there are heaps of books that help a woman facing a divorce, but few that help and guide a man.

We men are dreadfully vulnerable when facing emotions. If we have to face too many negative emotions at once, a terrible melancholia, an unbearable loneliness and a deep sadness choke us. Each vital action becomes intolerable. For a man, the days that follow a divorce are a survival testing period for his personality, his mental stability and his future behavior. Either he molds by fire or he perishes in the flames.

People tend to believe -- curiously some husbands, too -- that a divorce for men is a release. They all believe that men, then, are able to turn their dwelling into an orgy room visited by dozens of attractive women every day and every night. They believe that a divorced man does not know loneliness. Ask one. They are wrong. Even in the far-fetched case that women paraded all the nights through his bedroom, he still would feel alone, because after-divorce days are the most lonesome days in his life.

If the causes of his divorce have been turbulent, if the fights have been constant, if discrepancies have been irritating, his mind is left overcharged with negative emotions. Then, divorce acts as a vacuum cleaner that absorbs all that negative emotional mixture trapped within his mind and leaves in it a horriifying sensation of emptiness. You may think that the absence of annoying, irritating memories must be a relief — it is not. That vacuum usually makes him feel useless, without goals, without motivation. Of course, that dismal sensation is an illusion of the worst kind and it must be envisaged as a transitory period.

But in moments like that, who takes a philosophical stand?

Then, the vacuum will be filled normally with better and healthier emotions, if the man values his life and his own conservation instinct or, even better, he will fill the vacuum with new knowledge and with a decision to fight back, optimistic, against a situation that does not look too favorable, and win. And sorry the one who does not make it...

On the other hand, he could go backward, desperately seeking something to hang on to, something with what to fill that vacuum. In those cases, he may find something worse than what he had already left behind. He could hang out in bars, in search of passing encounters or looking for the girl of his dreams in the place least auspicious for that and to end up as an alcoholic. Or he could fall into a fatal stagnation and hang onto the past with little or no hope of recovery. He could live as a vegetable.

Or fight and move forward to prove to himself that he can win this battle. He turns defeat into victory and slaps the world that so little cares for him. Or to make it for his children's sake. His children will compare him with other men in the future, perhaps even with a stepfather. He thinks: No. My children will not see in a stepfather to a better man that me.

Time heals, although it leaves scars. His home will change. Little by little, he will fill the void. Today he will hang new pictures on the wall. Tomorrow he will paint all the house. He will bring new furniture of his liking to replace those few pieces his wife stamped every wall with.

His household will be his cave, a cave that will show his pent-up or shared personality until then. Now, alone, he has the opportunity of proving his values.

As a lion in the jungle, he will offer the peace of his habitat to friends and romance. Maybe soon he will find another wife. She may remove the new pictures on the wall to place hers. But not too soon. A divorced man must regale himself with the powerful pleasure of stamping his personality all over a house, at least, during a year and enjoy his passing hedonism and the merry company of a non possessive woman who would bring him only moments of pleasure.

But what counts the most for a divorced man is the certainty that one day in the future, his children, already grown may say out loud: “My father is the best.”

© 2003 by Ralph Rewes